


Prelude to Disaster Bastards - Jordan and Riza

by Awowogei



Series: Recipe for Disaster Bastards [1]
Category: Runescape (Video Games)
Genre: M/M, RFDB, Shared Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24585919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awowogei/pseuds/Awowogei
Summary: Many World Guardians from different universes have been invited to dine at Burthorpe Castle! Little do they know that they'll be whisked into a rather familiar adventure...
Series: Recipe for Disaster Bastards [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1777126
Kudos: 6





	Prelude to Disaster Bastards - Jordan and Riza

A quick sea breeze blew through the room as the side door opened behind Riza, carrying the scent of lavender and honey. 

_ Weird _ .  _ I thought he was going to use the sweetened coffee soap for this. _

He didn’t turn around from his little project at the counter - he knew it was his husband coming back from his bath upstairs. It was a particularly humid day, so he figured he would go clean himself up before they made their trek to Burthorpe.

Today was the day of a grand feast. A month ago, Jordan Pazel, the World Guardian, received an invitation to a dinner at Burthorpe castle. Apparently it would take place in the same banquet room where Seren had gathered a council months ago.

Riza peeked over his shoulder at his husband. He was glowingly clean, and bits of steam were still wafting off of him. His bad posture had him slightly hunched as he held a bundle of laundry wrapped in his arms. 

He saw Riza staring at him through his wet hair. “What?”

Riza turned back to his work. “You look good.”

“I’m just wearing a towel.”

_ I still think you look good,  _ he thought, grinning stupidly. _ Maybe you should go to the dinner like that. _

“What, you think I should go to the dinner like this?” Jordan asked dryly.

Riza turned around quickly. “I was just thinking that!” he said, smiling widely.

“Yeah, I bet you were.” Jordan said, putting his clothes into a laundry bag. “How far from Taverley do you think we’ll get before they arrest us?”

_ They’ll be waiting the moment we land. _

“I thought you were going to use the coffee scented soap for this?” asked Riza.

“They don’t  _ deserve _ the coffee scented soap.”

Jordan walked over to the counter in his undergarments and a sweater. He leaned in to take a peek at what Riza was working on.

“What have you got there?”

Riza turned to him and leaned backwards against the counter, blocking Jordan’s view. “Well, you know how they asked us what we wanted to eat?”

“Yeah. They actually agreed to your outrageous request right?”

He pointed at Jordan. “Exactly! So now I’m thinking: ‘I’m getting a whole ass family dinner,’ right? Sooo….”

Riza reached behind him and lifted up a series of empty jars. He gave Jordan a large, dopey smile, who stared back at him with a bemused grin.

“Jars? What, are you planning on taking it home with you?”

Riza nodded with his whole body. “Exactly! See, we take what’s left over and bring it home with us.” He gestured to their recently augmented larder. “Then we put it in the ice box, and I can eat it again later!”

Jordan’s eyes and mouth widened. “Do you think that’ll work? Will it last for another day like that?”

“Gods, I really hope so!”

“Okay, let’s do it.” Jordan said quickly. “Oh! Wrap some towels around them so they don’t clink together!”

They both laughed mischievously as they split up to finish getting ready. Jordan put on some long pants for the first time in ages, while Riza secured the jars within a casual satchel. 

Jordan floated a mauve tunic over to Riza. “Did you want to use any perfumes?” he asked, brushing his hair into position.

Riza plucked the tunic out of the air and slipped it on. “Nnn… no. Wait! Maybe. Do you think I should go in full regalia?”

Jordan looked over his bottles and sent over his most subtle perfume. “Huh. Good question. Who all is going to be there?”

“I dunno. I thought you knew?”

“I thought I did too.” he said, “If I had to guess, it’s probably another Saradomin thing.” 

They exchange sideways glances as Jordan put on his beanie.

“Maybe he got jealous that Seren called a council, and now wants to form his own,” he mused, putting on his gloves.

Riza frowned.  _ Maybe I shouldn't have ordered karambwan… _

Fully assembled, Jordan walked over to Riza as he was fitting each of his rings onto his fingers. He brushed some of Riza’s hair to the side for him, before sticking his tongue out goofily as he brushed it all into his bangs. Riza held up the perfume bottle threateningly, finger at the ready. Jordan yelped and quickly retreated out of range.

_ I hope there’s not too many randos there, _ Riza thought as he combed his hair back with his fingers.  _ These types of parties are always so exhausting. _

“You ready to go?” Jordan asked, calling his battlestaff into his hand.

“We’re going armed?”

Riza’s sword left a trail of darkness as Jordan sent it towards him. He grabbed both and slung it over his shoulder.

“No shit, we’re going armed. For all we know, Evil Dave will show up this time and steal the Elder Kiln.”

_ How would he steal the whole kiln?  _ Riza wondered. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

Jordan raised one arm up as he started channeling magic. “Alright, you first.”

“You want me to see if it’s safe to wear your towel?”

Jordan laughed. “Shut up! You’ll make me mess up!” A burst of pink light erupted from his extended hand, and Riza felt the magic surround him. With a hop and a swirl of lights, he teleported away.

***

Riza landed in the village of Taverley. He was always disappointed that he could only land gracefully after a tele-other spell, as people never got to see it. He recalled the one time he fell in the river as Jordan teleported in.

“Alright, now to head to Burthorpe,” he announced, pulling out a pouch from his sewing pack. He kneeled down, holding the pouch upright in one hand, and placed the other on the ground. He tossed it upwards as it erupted in blue flame and burned away instantly. 

A large glyph appeared on the ground in front of him and an oversized purple bird faded into existence. It had a saddle, complete with saddlebags, that was large enough to seat two people. It looked expectantly down its large beak at Jordan, who scratched it under its chin.

The pair got up on the terrorbird. Jordan, who was up front, asked their mount “Can you take us up north to Burthorpe castle?”

The bird squawked and flapped its stubby wings.

“Oh, come on, do you have to do that now?”

It quacked rhythmically, lowering its head.

“Actually, can you take us around the west side? I don’t want the summoners to see me doing this.”

The bird turned to the road. Jordan grabbed hold of the handle on the front of the saddle as Riza wrapped his arms around him. The bird reared a bit, then sprung into a series of quick strides. They could see the disappointed glares of the druids as they rode through the village.

_ Sorry for the sacrilege! We’re in a hurry! _

As he watched the scenery fly by, Riza's mind wandered.  _ Why is it always such a hassle to get to Burthorpe?  _ _ I mean, thank Zamorak they discovered that Taverley teleport, but it’s still a whole two hour ride. Is Burthorpe not important enough to teleport to? That’s kind of rude. _

_ I wonder, if I asked one of the wizards, if they’d be able to figure it out. Jordan outranks most of them, I think, so maybe he could order them to do it? Or is that a conflict of interest? Is that what that means? Or is it… Overhead? Huh... _

As they approached the edge of town, Jordan noticed his husband's silence.

“Hey, Riza, what’s up?”

“Well, I was just thinking…” he started, “why haven’t you made a teleport spell to Burthorpe yet?”

“Are you kidding me right now? Do you KNOW how many calculations are involved in ‘making’ a teleport spell?”

“I mean they recently made the Taverley spell, right? Just like, use half a law rune and maybe you’ll get to Burthorpe.”

He felt Jordan’s eyes roll back so fast that the momentum forced him to lean backwards. “You’re right. I’ll try it once I find the half-a-law altar.” 

“You just watch, when they make the spell they’ll use half a law rune.”

Jordan shook his head. “I’ll never see it. I’ll die from the  _ grief _ you give me before that ever happens.”

Riza hugged him tighter. His nose was right on his back, and he could smell the perfume he used. “What?” Jordan asked.

“Which perfume are you wearing? Is that… mango?”

“Not quite. It’s citrus and bamboo.”

“It smells nice.”

Jordan looked back for a second. “... you going to be alright? Got any more compliments you want to get out before we rejoin the public?”

_ Not really. I like this scent, though. This one’s definitely in my top three. _

They made their way out of town, and were now passing through Ewean’s Grove up north. The road curved around a large hill that pierced the sky. Sunbeams were shining down from the summit through the sparse canopy, and made the golden leaves of the late summer trees glisten. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Riza saw a man tripping in the forest. He turned to look at him as his eyes focused for any dangers.

_ That man… he tripped on… nothing. He was scrambling and tripped over his own feet. He was running to my left, which means…  _ He looked to the right.  _ He’s running from… That troll! _

Before Jordan even felt the hold on him loosen, Riza had already leaped off the bird and was dashing forward to attack. He threw a smattering of knives, only two of them hit its rocky carapace. By the time it stopped its chase and looked over at him, Riza had already stabbed deep into the troll with his sword, Banelight.

The troll closed its fist to swing at him, to which Riza cut the sword diagonally out of its torso. With a dying groan the monster fell backwards, and the dark energy around the sword dissipated. The blotches of troll blood on the blade shrunk to nothingness as the tuned banite ate away at it. 

The man Riza saved thanked him profusely, offering rewards that were casually declined. They waved him off as he made his way back into town.

Jordan extended his hand to help Riza back onto the bird. “So, ‘Siglor Trollslasher,’ how many more did Kuradal assign you?” he joked.

Riza feigned boredom. “Too many. Can I have a different assignment?” 

“Sure. 80,000 wyverns. No cancelations.”

“Oh no!” he laughed as the bird started galloping again.

They cleared the forest, the only thing left was the large field before Burthorpe. The dizzyingly tall Trollheim mountain range loomed in the distance. They could see the walls of the fortress town at the foot of the mountain, but it’d still be an hour before they get there.

The Heroes guild passed by them on their right. They waved to some friends they saw hanging out on the rooftop dining area. Without realizing, they both shared the thought of how much they’d rather go there then to this stuffy banquet.

_ Okay, but what if Evil Dave showed up to steal the Elder Kiln. I wonder how he’d do it… _

He imagined the scrawny ‘wizard’ casting powerful magics, blasting away the TokHaar with ease.

_ What color would he turn when he steals the kiln? Would he become Tokhaar-Hok? Or would it be JalYt-Hok?  _

_ I wonder what it would look like for Jordan inside the Kiln. He said the Needle looked like Guthix’s resting place, then the citadel, then the laboratory. I wonder why? What a random assortment of places. I wonder if the TokHaar would ever let him take a peek. _

Jordan noticed Riza’s signature silence of contemplation again. “What’s on your mind?” He asked.

“How do you think Evil Dave would steal the Kiln?”

“You’re still thinking about that!?”

“I mean, what if, you know?”

Jordan was uncharacteristically silent at the idea.

“Jordan? Are you still mad at him?”  
“I’d fucking kill him.”

_ I guess he is. _

The banter continued as they rode over the empty field. Memorials to those who fell against the trolls passed by on either side of the road, but it was an otherwise featureless journey.

_ It really is a pain in the ass to get to Burthorpe, though. _

The grass slowly gave way to stone as they approached the massive wooden walls of the town. A band of trainees passed by them at the gate to go jogging through the field. The clouds that usually swirled overhead were lighter than usual. It was uncommon for it not to be raining, and Jordan coughed from the dust being kicked up by their mount.

As they made their way to the fortress, they saw a pair of cats sitting up on the bluffs overlooking the town. Everyone waved at each other. At one point Jordan hopped off to check in with the gnomic quartermaster, seeing if there were any supplies the town needed. 

Eventually they arrived at the fortress. They dismounted the terrorbird as Jordan dismissed it from this reality with his thanks. 

“You ready for this?” He asked Riza, checking his clothes for any dust from the journey.

Riza nodded.  _ As I’ll ever be. _

With a smile, they gave each other a pecking kiss and held hands as they walked into the fortress.

The banquet hall was upstairs just to the right of the foyer. They both noticed that the building was not nearly as busy as they expected. Upon re-checking the invitation, they came to realize they were a whole hour early. Since they were here anyway, they decided to just go up to the hall and wait. Upon reaching the top of the stairs, they made their way to the large doors of the banquet hall. They entered the room and were greeted by the sad emptiness of an early-comer to a party. 

They didn’t realize their mistake of entering the room.

The dining table was large and circular, and had name cards sitting on the empty plates. They walked opposite directions around the table to take a peek at the names of the people they’ll be dining with.

“Do you recognize any of these people?” Riza asked, “Are these temple knights?”

“No, none that I can see.” He responded. “Well, no wait, this one’s for Sir Theodore Kassel. I think he fought in the Siege of Falador.”

“Huh. I’m not seeing those two commander guys. Or Saradomin, for that matter.”

Jordan looked up at him. “Commander guys?”

“Sir Varsh and Sir Tissy?”

Jordan merely gave him a snort without any corrections. They kept checking, commenting on the names of these strangers.

“I’m pretty sure this guy’s name means ‘five’ in Infernal.”

“I mean, this guy has actual numbers in his name.”

“No way! That’s wild!”.

“So far I’ve found a Summer der Messer, and a Winter der Messer.”

“Oh god, l hope this dinner doesn't take half a year.”

“Siblings, maybe? Or they’re married.”

Riza found their spots first. He sighed with relief that they were seated next to each other.

“Oh, this spot’s for a ‘Jordan Pazelnut.”

Jordan’s eyes widened. “You didn’t!” 

He ran over to check. “Funny. Are you gonna be tonight’s entertainment, Gilly Willikers?” he grumbled as Riza giggled to himself. He pulled out his chair and sat down while Jordan continued examining the names.

“I wonder who these people are. Surely we would have heard of them? Unless this is some kind of class for newbies or something? But then why wouldn’t they do it through the guilds?”

Jordan looked at Riza, who shrugged. Then they both looked at the door as it opened and someone entered the room …


End file.
